My RunDom Thoughts

He said, She said (A man’s perspective versus a woman’s)

kimanna — Sat, 03 May 2008 03:11:00 +0000

While waiting for a cab ride and sitting under an old tree( I forgot the name of that tree but it was huge and haunted-looking), I asked him if he was hurt that she left. He said, O, gud. (Yes, I am.)

Ouch, I thought. With his remark, I supposed they became an item and had a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

The following day, or was it the next day, I asked him again. “Did you love her?”

“Ha?”(Huh?) he creases his forehead. “Wala man me nagkauyab ato.” (We did not have a relationship.)

“Ingon ka nako last night uyab mo.”( You said so last night.) I retorted. This time, I became suspicious.

“Wala la oy.” (I did not.) He said.

“Did you love her?”

He shook his head. “Why can’t you just say it? Maybe, you still do.” I was already fighting for tears.

“Wala.” (No.) “No, I don’t love her.” He pulled me close to his side and kissed my temple. I was so happy I curled up on his side.

I believed him but I was skeptical. What can I do, I am a woman. This when we were just starting and the love fire was burning crazily in our hearts, but that that was almost eight years ago.

To The Fair-Weather Man

kimanna — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:01:00 +0000

You had been a fair-weather friend. As long as I was sweet and loving, you were here by my side. But as soon as I was not, you walked right out that door.

You never wanted to talk things out with me whenever we had a fight. Your style was to walk right out that door and leave me for days, for weeks, for months. And now maybe for years. And maybe forever.

You just didn’t know how much I needed you every time you walked out that door. You just didn’t understand how much I needed you to just listen and be right there for me.

You were a fair-weather boyfriend. As long as I was happy and nice, you loved back. If I was unhappy or upset, you distanced yourself.

You didn’t understand that listening was so important to me as a woman. When were having a good time, you were game. When we had problems or when I had problems, you left me. You became indifferent and unloving at difficult times.

You didn’t understand where I was coming from. I envy the people you lend your ears to. How come you fell asleep many times when I was crying telling you about my problems?

It Was Only A Matter Of Time

kimanna — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 06:48:00 +0000

I was hurt, frustrated and confused when you suddenly did not go home for months. I tried to talk to you, but you did not answer my phone calls. In short, you simply left without even bothering to explain things. Then one day, you said you wanted to move out. I knew you had been wanting to do this all along. Because you had tried to do the same trying to leave me last 2006. It was also around the same months where you suddenly became emotionally distant.

Your true feelings for me were just waiting for me to create one move that would give you the reason to act on your plans. It was a time bomb for me that finally exploded and you succeeded in breaking my heart into pieces.

I Take Back My Apologies

kimanna — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:11:00 +0000

When you love someone so much, you no longer think about yourself, what others will think. You apologize to him, to his friends, to his family, etc. even if you are the one who got offended. You thought doing so would make them see that you are not such an unpleasant person at all, which would have been a consolation even though it still doesn’t justify it, but they are so into themselves to think that they were right about you at all. How come they have the nerves to feel highly about themselves when they ought to feel ashamed of themselves? Apologizing to them was the biggest mistake I ever made. It only made them smug more than they already are. It’s nice when someone sincerely apologizes. But I take back my apologies. And I no longer hope for people to tell me they are sorry for what they did to me.

Who Am I?

kimanna — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:53:00 +0000

It is only now that I possess the courage to confront myself. When he left me, I woke up in a place stranger to me. Everything was a blank. When I looked around me, I only saw arid desert stretching endlessly. It took me this far to acknowledge I was alone even from the start.

Every time somebody asks me to describe myself, I can’t seem to find the words. I don’t know who I am. I have always lived to provide for the others. I have always put off my dreams to give way for the others. They come to me asking if they could take the board exam first, if they could send their brothers to school first, if they could go to school first, if they could borrow some money first, if they could attend to their family members first, if they could get on first, if they could go abroad first, if they could not marry yet, if they could not love me yet, etc. I always gave way and I didn’t mind at first. But when you get dubbed as selfish, money launderer, always the one whose wishes are followed, selfish, with bad personality, ugly, disagreeable, unpleasant, etc., you just can’t help but get hurt. They just don’t know the things I sacrificed for them. I even put their needs and dreams ahead of mine, but they still see me as the one with the problem. That is why I say, if there could be a place where I am welcome…

The Prisoner Inside Myself

kimanna — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:28:00 +0000

I am back with my old self but I think with a different me. It is so ironic how he sees me as not having trust in him. He just didn’t know he was the only person I allowed inside my world. This was the only time in my life where I have allowed myself to fall this much for a person because I thought I was being too tough on myself. People would tell me I am this and that, but they just don’t know deep inside I am just a girl trying to break free. I have tried to be nice to people and still I hear them talking negative things about me. They just don’t see me…and it gets to me a lot. Yah, it hurts a lot. They just don’t know how much I have to fight for it everyday in silence. In reality, I don’t talk a lot. And sometimes, I get to the point where I hate myself for not talking back, for not reasoning out for myself. I don’t know how to explain my side and I just cry in frustration. I am a prisoner inside myself.

They Just Don’t Know…

kimanna — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:06:00 +0000

When I think about all the promises and love I was told, I can’t help but feel disappointed. I get disappointed even more when they don’t realize how much I believed in those promises. They don’t know how much I believed in those love. You just don’t know how many people have made me promises to only take it back in the end. You just don’t know how much your love and promises mean to me. Anyway, who cares to see where I was coming…

When A Stranger Made A Missed Call

kimanna — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:43:00 +0000

Sometimes people only see what they want to see and understand only the things that they want to understand. We refuse to believe even if the obvious is right in front of our face. I guess I was just not prepared to finally know I was no longer in the phonebook. Yah, it hurts…a bit. But you would not understand.

My Suspension And My Friends’ Revelation

kimanna — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 03:50:00 +0000

I was suspended without pay for three days due to tardiness. We have this new policy that if you are late twice within three months, you are suspended for three days without pay. This policy translates you not being late at all for your entire career. I was late on two occasions. What pissed me off was that the last one was just one minute. The suspension days fell upon during the Lenten season, so I had the entire week’s vacation-or an entire week of boredom. I didn’t hit the beach or anything because I was low on cash and had no one to go out with as they were all working. I had wanted to go home, but changed my plans because I avoided the chance they would question me about the breakup and I was not ready for it. Some people during the lent check out the beach or pack up to get the summer away. I was stuck in my boarding house with all the time in the world to think about the man who broke my heart.

I would have been happy because I would have the time to sleep and rest, but it was still as if I was working because I would wake up at the usual time I wake up when I have work. I had been rereading Twisted for a lot of times and it did not help. This insomnia has become chronic.

It was until I was on the verge of going insane that I received a text message from a very good friend who works as a Physical Therapist in New York. She said she was in the country and to meet her that day at Gerry’s Grill. I was not up to the idea of seeing anyone, lest someone who knows me that well given the kind of physical makeup that I had. I didn’t have enough sleep and there were circles of blue under my eyes. They were puffed because I had been crying all night thinking about the love…I can’t help it.

Thinking it was the usual get-together when she arrives from New York, I enlisted my presence as there was nothing else to do and I badly needed to pump up my sagging esteem. Anyhow, I was wondering why when it had not been a year yet since the last time she went home. It’s not like she can just come home if she wants to because I know her employer would not allow that… unless if it is something really important. Nevertheless, I didn’t expect there would be anything special about the dinner invitation other than us getting together as we usually do every time she comes home. She always contact the same people, Lany, Vincent and Me.

After everyone had settled, Lany introduced first Russel…as his new boyfriend…and they are going to Dubai together in two weeks time. I should have known. She and Mark broke up almost at the same time with my breakup and she…stifle sob, sniff, sniff…she has found a new love and they are going to get married in Dubai. “I’m applying for Canada”, said followed Vincent.

“So, what’s your excuse, Madz?” I said, my voice betraying me.

“I am getting married on 29^th and I want you all there on Café George.”

I swooned.

My First Dinner In My New Boarding House

kimanna — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:04:00 +0000

After you left me, and it has been six months now, it was only yesterday that I bought my first utensils which composed of a noodle bowl and an oriental spoon. I also bought some instant sachets of cereal and oatmeals because I am alarmed of the amount of barbecue I eat everyday. I eat barbecue for dinner because there is nothing available at stored during the evening except that.

I remember the first night I ate dinner in my new boarding house. I was eating barbecue and puso (hanging rice as it is called because it is hanged when displayed at food stalls). This is a kind of rice in which you wrap the rice with coconut leaves when you boil them). I didn’t have anything to put my food into, so I used the plastic bag. I placed the food into it and ate into it. I was crying while eating. I felt so small.